Day 10: A Letter to Someone Who Hurt You

Dear Hollywood,

I'm just going to come out and say it. You ruined me! Okay, maybe not ruined exactly. But you sure did hurt my chances at a regular old romance. Your portrayal of love, romance and dating, well, it just doesn't match reality. Not much at all. And, you see, I spent a lot of my young life watching your romantic comedies, reading your books (okay, maybe that wasn't you exactly, Holly, but it was certainly a relative of yours). And from this media, I got a completely skewed idea of what I ought to be looking for and how this dating thing happens in real life.

It took me a lot of years to get things figured out, with no help from you. Because you never told me the truth. You never told me that, in actuality, he probably WAS that into me, but media had so corrupted my idea of love that I was never able to recognize his feelings, my feelings, or what may actually have been (but fortunately wasn't) the best opportunity I was going to get in this lifetime. Here are just a few of the lies you told me instead:

Lie #1- If you take long walks in beautiful places, the man you love is sure to come along and kiss you (see Pride & Prejudice, the Keira Knightly Version).

Reality: I took a lot of long, lonely walks in some lovely places. Not once did I encounter the love of my life, or even my current crush. If I didn't invite him along, he never showed up. Not even once. And I took a lot of long walks.

Lie #2- Men are inescapably attracted to intelligent women (see Pride & Prejudice, any version, and Ever After).

Reality: Men are almost inescapably intimidated by intelligent women.

Lie #3 - Pursuing famous or semi-famous perfect strangers is a great idea; he's likely to pick yours out of the pile and be your soul mate (see Sleepless in Seattle, Under the Tuscan Sun and Win a Date With Tad Hamilton).

Reality: Whether the celebrity you adore is married or unmarried has almost no bearing on the likelihood that he will ever date and/or marry you. He won't. Unless you're Katie Holmes. You're not (and that's a good thing).

Lie #4: Repeatedly insulting and rejecting men makes them ever more in love with you. You can reject them a lot of times, and they will keep coming back, waiting for your love (see Hitch, I Hate Valentine's Day and Anne of Green Gables--the movie, I haven't made it through the books, so I can't really say).

Reality: I had a roommate who adored these books and lived by this credo. She was very single. Guys would actually leave when she came into the room just to avoid the hostility.

Lie #5: If a guy likes you, he will do absolutely all the work. You need never encourage him, reciprocate or even realize what he is doing. It's okay inadvertently to be a little rude sometimes. He'll still drive fifty miles in a blizzard for you (see Little House on the Prairie).

Reality: You have to encourage them. A lot. I've read the book about twenty times (literally). It's a great story. But I really do think it ruined my approach to dating and relationships for at least several years. It's not the 1800's anymore. So I'll say it again, you have to encourage them.

Lie #6 Your boyfriend/husband should be able to read your mind, not because it's his superpower but because he can just intuit what you're thinking and what you want (see Twilight).

Reality: Men actually do want to be able to do this. They can't. If you don't tell them what you want, you're very unlikely to get it. If you don't tell them why you're mad, or that you're mad, they won't know. If you don't ask him to take out the trash, it's probably not going to happen.

Lie #7 All males are attracted to clumsy, complaining girls with no personality, no self-confidence and no interests whatsoever especially if they're new in town. The more clumsy and insecure the girl is, the more amazing the guy who will seek her out (see Twilight, The Wedding Date and My Big Fat Greek Wedding).

Reality: If there's nothing interesting about you, people probably won't find you very interesting. And, consequently, guys won't be interested in dating you. Even more importantly, the single most consistent quality that guys find attractive: confidence. It's true, from the mouth of an unquestionably hot male friend.

Lie #8: If the person you're in love with was ever in love with someone who died, they're probably still actually in love with that person and you're just a stand-in (see A Walk to Remember, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Titanic and probably a lot of other movies that aren't coming to mind right now).

Reality: Wouldn't that be sad?

Lie #9: If you have a random crush on some hot guy and never ever even talk to him, he and his even hotter brother are likely to propose to you (see While You Were Sleeping and Win a Date With Tad Hamilton).

Reality: If you never talk to him, he'll never have a chance to fall in love with you. So get out there and take a risk. What's the worst that can happen? If he rejects you, then you still won't be together. And you'll be no worse off than you are now.

Lie #10 - Spending enough time with a person of the opposite gender will inevitably lead you to fall in love, even, nay especially, if you hate each other in the beginning. Taking an arduous journey together increases the likelihood of realization that this is, in fact, your soul mate (see Win a Date With Tad Hamilton, Two Weeks' Notice, The Proposal, Leap Year, Stardust, Romancing the Stone, Chasing Liberty and Letters to Juliet and All About Steve and probably some others that aren't coming to mind).

Lie #10b: Your best platonic friend is really in love with you, whether he knows it or not. There is, in reality, no such thing as a platonic relationship (see Valentine's Day, Some Kind of Wonderful, He's Just Not That Into You,Post Grad, When Harry Met Sally and Keeping the Faith).

Reality: I tried this one out. Several times over. Sometimes for a long time. Some things aren't meant to be, some people don't find other people attractive. Some people just want to be friends. You can spend all the time together you want, but if the person is annoying in the beginning, they're usually still annoying months later.

Lie #11: The person you're in love with is probably, in reality, completely shallow and a real jerk, but someone who really is completely amazing and much better than the loser you're with is just around the corner so just keep waiting for that perfect person to come along (see The Wedding Singer, Enchanted, Serendipity, While You Were Sleeping, Stardust, Leap Year and Letters to Juliet, 500 Days of Summer).

Reality: Nobody's perfect, even you.

Now, Holly, I'm not going to pretend that I didn't enjoy a lot of these books and movies. They're funny, heartwarming and, in many cases, just perfect for making me feel good and sappy. But they are not a good guide for navigating the dating world. It's complex enough without you skewing the perception of millions of young, impressionable girls. So from now on, when you're assigning a genre to these movies, would you please just label them FANTASY? Life's not like it is in the movies. Really.

Cheers,
Melanie

Day 9: A List of Blogs You Read

Well, you can look at the blogs I read any old time you like, since they're pretty much all listed to the right. So I thought I'd give a list of my bookmarks instead. I depend upon them entirely, so perhaps that is more insightful. At the very least, it's more useless information.

Church
E-Mail (Gmail, Yahoo!, AOL)
Blogs
News (NYT, BBC, Local News)
Financial (banks, insurance, loans)
Cooking (Allrecipes.com, Cooks Illustrated, Homemade Baby Food)
Facebook
Madison Public Library
NOAA
Wikipedia
City of Madison
Kaplan
IMDB
GHC (my doctor)
CSA (MACSAC and Vermont Valley Community Farm)
Pandora Radio
Eagle Heights Community Gardens
Wisconsin State Law Library
Isthmus Parents
Recipes I want to try, articles I want to read, etc.

Day 8: A Photo of You Taken Recently

Day 7: A YouTube Video You Find Funny

Day 6: A List of What You Ate Today

orange juice
pancakes with maple syrup
milk
vitamin
whole wheat bunny crackers
kale and sausage pasta with tomatoes
pear
masaman nur with rice
water
rice krispie treat
oatmeal craisin cookie
pumpkin bread
Stephen's Dark Chocolate Cocoa

Day 5: A Letter to Your Crush*

Dear Joe:
Sorry I was so obsessed with you for so long. It seems like if you ask a girl to dance once, you shouldn't be subjected to a year of her staring you down all the time. But then, that's the sort of risk you run in junior high. In the end, I'm glad we became friends, and just friends. The only thing we had in common was that one dance anyway. I probably loved the song we danced to every bit as much as I thought I loved you.
All the best,
Melanie

Dear Greg:
I'm so glad I summoned all of my courage and asked you on a date. It was truly an empowering experience. You were very nice to go with me. And just as nice about not ever reciprocating my devotion. But I will always remember you as the one I did something about. And for that I'm glad.
All the best,
Melanie

Dear Dustin:
When we met, I was a mere freshman and you were a newly returned missionary. And you were older than my brother. I'd never gone out with anyone older than my brother before. I'm pretty sure 75 percent of the girls on our floor were in love with you. Possibly more. And I was one of those girls. But they were my friends, so I couldn't just go pursuing you. And I was a lowly freshman, so I certainly didn't have the confidence to come after you anyway. So, instead, for months you would flirt with me and I would flirt with you. But all the other girls would flirt with you too, and I never did like competing. And I didn't want to hurt my friends. And, after all, you never did ask me out. And that just doesn't make a girl feel wanted.

Then the year ended, we all moved home, and you only called me once all summer. Was it a date we had? I guess now I know it was, but I didn't know then. And when we all moved back to school, there I was the only girl in the building who knew you. No competition. And you came to see me, but you never told me you were coming so I was never home. And you gave me rides home on the weekends, but you never took me anywhere else, so I figured you were just being nice. And you called me once for a date, but I couldn't go. Then you called back and asked my best friend to go instead. That just doesn't make a girl feel wanted. So I waited for you to call again, but you never did.

All year, I kept waiting. You wanted me to edit your papers, but while I was editing them you flirted with my roommates. That just doesn't make a girl feel wanted. So, maybe I never put myself out there enough, but neither did you. And after two years of angst, you moved on. While I was waiting for my mission call, you got engaged. And I have to admit that I cried and I wondered. But I also think that by then we had drifted into two very different people, and it's a good thing we're living very different lives now.

I guess it might have worked, but you'd have had to take me on a date to find out.
All the best,
Melanie

Dear Doug:
We sure had a lot of fun together, didn't we? Maybe you're the reason I did so much better in physics in college than High School. It was a lot more fun to study the second time around. I have to admit that I was shocked when you started flirting shamelessly on that long car ride back to Logan. After all, my roommate was completely in love with you. But you probably didn't know that, and she wasn't there. Thank you for supporting me as I prepared and left on my mission. I guess I never knew whether you wanted me to stay or not, but the important thing is that I wanted to go more than anything else. And I was nothing but happy to receive your announcement during my first transfer in Italy.
All the best,
Melanie

Dear Chase:
You were irresistible. Too bad a lot of other girls couldn't resist you either. Too bad you were more concerned with dating three Ashleys than dating anyone seriously. But what a dancer! I'm glad your missionary came home and you married her. You were probably too much of a cowboy for me, and I wasn't enough of a cowboy's wife.
All the best,
Melanie

Dear Tristan:
Knowing you was certainly exciting. But I never did know whether I could trust you completely. And that's not a great foundation for a long term relationship, is it? So it's probably better that things didn't work out between us. I hope you'll find someone who you need desperately as you never did need me. Some things just aren't meant to be.
All the best,
Melanie

Dear Mike:
You never were very good to me, or very good for me. At least your stay in my heart was a brief one.
All the best,
Melanie

*with thanks to Alannis Morissette for inspiring this interpretation of the assignment.

Day 4: A History of Melanie

Today is supposed to be a picture of me taken over 10 years ago. And I have a few of those. But I thought it might be more fun to see how I got from there to here. So, for your pleasure (or mine; this all makes me feel a bit narcissistic, but I'm going for it anyway), here is what I looked like over the past decade and a few that are even older.

Last year I spent a lot of time being a mom and teaching prospective lawyers how to do better on the LSAT.

Before that, I grew a baby. This picture is exactly 18 mos. old today. Glad I'm not doing that again tomorrow!

Random pilgrimage to North Carolina to see the still unfinished Luten Bridge, subject of a landmark contracts case. My friend Lindsay and I thought it was an appropriate activity for the week before law school graduation.

I spent this summer working for a Public Defender's Office outside Washington, DC. And we spent nearly every weekend running around the District, enjoying all the great free stuff. This is me among the Supremes. I may be leaning on Potter Stewart, but I've got Thurgood Marshall on my right hand and I'll be naming my second son after him (if I can convince James, that is).

Here I am all dressed up for Law School Prom (also called Barrister's Ball). James and I decided to go at the last minute, and my fabulous visiting teachers scrounged me up about twenty dresses to wear. Here's the winner.

Newly arrived in Virginia for law school, here I am with Stonewall Jackson. He was buried just down the road from my house. I also regularly passed Robert E. Lee's place of rest on my way through campus.
Here I am at a mission reunion. I don't seem to have taken many pictures in the year and a half between my mission and law school. Erica and I were companions in Verona where we would frequently wonder whether we could, at last, just be whelmed.
And here I am in Verona, just about time to go home (I wasn't as happy about it as I look).

New missionary in Bergamo with one of my favorite English students, Beiley.

This is me on top of the world, or the continent anyway. I'm the one in the green sweatshirt, and we're at the summit of Mt. Whitney. You don't want a closer up picture than this; we hadn't seen showers in five days.

My sophomore roommates, in our bowling attire.

My other life as an airplane pilot.

My other life as a...nevermind.

And now, ten years ago...Actually, I think the former picture was the ten year shot. This is eleven. Freshman Melanie and my roommate Jess, dressed up as long lost twins writing to the same missionary.Just before High School graduation.

Sometime in Junior High I think.

Not sure how old I was here, but it's definitely more than ten years ago. How about that hair? And my brother's glasses, which I think are now back in style.

I had a rather awkward phase from first grade until...well, I'll let you decide. But it definitely wasn't over at this point. And I couldn't find any baby pictures so you'll just have to take my word for it that I was an adorable baby.

Day 3: My Favorite Movies

This has always been an extremely difficult question for me. It's a little hard to get going, but much harder to stop. Here are a few I'm thinking of today:

"I'm not arguing that with you..."

I didn't love this one the first time I saw it. But I like it more every time I watch it. Ang Lee is amazing, the music is wonderful and it's just sumptuous and I love it. And Emma Thompson is good, but too old. "Thank you for pointing that out, my dear."

Nothing gets me in the Holiday Spirit like watching White Christmas. But then, I've already told you that.

I believe I saw this one in the theatre six times. It's wonderful. My family will sit around the dinner table quoting it.
"These mashed potatoes are so creamy."

When I have a project to do that doesn't require full concentration (tying a quilt, anyone?), this is the movie I turn on. But it's nicely divided into six pieces, in case I only have fifty minutes. And every piece is wonderful. And it's true to Austen.
Truly one of the greatest movies of all time. They do not make movies like this anymore.

If you haven't seen a Hitchcock, you haven't truly been thrilled, just frightened. They don't make movies like this anymore either.

And I should probably stop there. But I could go on. Oh, could I go on. Philadelphia Story, Vertigo, Wit, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Singing in the Rain, My Fair Lady...and here come the musicals. Must stop now.

Day 2: My Day

Got home a little late last night, so here's the day:

5:45 Virginia woke up. James got up and put her back to sleep.

7:15 Virginia woke up again. James got up and I kept sleeping.

8:15 (I know, but this almost never happens.) I finally got out of bed, took a shower and got ready to face the day.

9:00 I got Virginia changed, dressed and packed for a morning of fun.

10:00 Madison Children's Museum!! Tish and her boys met us there.

10:45 Madison Public Library! Virignia tried to climb into the fountain to see the frog statue. Who wants to play with boats, trains and trucks when there's a frog spitting water?

12:00 Home for lunch. Leftover pasta and Colcannon. Yum!

1:00 Nap for Virginia. While she napped, I made good progress in the book I'm supposed to be reading for the Book Club I'm hosting next week.

2:30 Virignia woke up. We built a train, read books, played with balls, sang, danced, ate snacks and I read about a page and a half of the aforementioned book.

4:45 I started dinner. Virginia was not pleased with this development, so James had to emerge from the office and remind her how fabulous her toys are for a few minutes.

5:45 Dinner on the table just as Alex, our guest, showed up. Perfect! We broke out the Thanksgiving tablecloth Mom found on clearance last year. I was feeling festive!

6:45 I changed for the opera. The dinner guest actually came so we could go to the opera together. Her husband works for Madison Opera and gets comp tickets. I think he's one of the best people to know in Madison, but maybe not for the same reason as Madison Magazine.

7:15 Left for the Overture Center. The parking ramp was full, so it took a long time to park.

7:40 We arrived in pick our favorite wedding cake (the opera was The Marriage of Figaro, so there was a cake competition in the lobby), greet Alex's husband Brian and avoid some people we did not want to see.

7:55 The usher was not very nice about us having only a general idea where we were going, but we made it to our fabulous seats. The woman next to me seemed to have a cough, so my opera experience was rather aromatic. Ah well, as the opera said, il perdono no merta chi agli altri non da.

8:00 Because this was opening night of Madison Opera's 50th Anniversary season, the Lt. Governor gave a little spiel at the beginning, and even gave Brian a little shout out.

9:30 Enjoyed some celtic art and met up with friends during intermission.

11:00 All agreed that the opera was hilarious, very entertaining and well cast. Alex went to the after-party to eat the wedding cake, and the rest of us headed home.

11:20 Got home, read scriptures, talked to James, got ready for bed and fell asleep.

All About Me, in Fifty Days or More

For the past several weeks, my friend Sheena has been blogging fifty days of fun facts about her, and other random stuff. Since I've been enjoying reading her posts, and they'll soon be coming to an end, I've decided to prolong the fun by doing my own fifty posts. I'm not sure all of these will be completely applicable in my life, but we'll work with them. So, just to heighten your anticipation, here's what you can look forward to:

Day 1: Introduce yourself
Day 2: A bulleted list of everything that happened in your day
Day 3: Your favorite movie
Day 4: A photo of you taken over 10 years ago
Day 5: A letter to your crush
Day 6: A list of what you ate today
Day 7: A youtube video you find funny
Day 8: A photo of you taken recently
Day 9: List some of your favorite blogs
Day 10: A letter to a person who has caused you pain
Day 11: Share your favorite recipe(s)
Day 12: Self portrait
Day 13: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 14: A song from your childhood
Day 15: A letter to someone you wish you could meet
Day 16: Provide pictures of 5 celebrity crushes
Day 17: A photo that makes you sad
Day 18: Set or share a goal
Day 19: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 20: A letter to someone that changed your life
Day 21: Your favorite television program
Day 22: A photo that makes you happy
Day 23: Share one of your favorite tunes
Day 24: Time to face morph
Day 25: Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 26: Favorite books
Day 27: A talent of yours
Day 28: Favorite places to shop
Day 29: Your favorite color
Day 30: The friendliest person you knew for only 1 day
Day 31: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 32: A photo you took
Day 33: What you're craving right now
Day 34: Your favorite quote
Day 35: A letter to an ex
Day 36: Some hobbies of yours
Day 37: A song that you like to dance to
Day 38: A photo of your parents
Day 39: Zodiac sign and do you think it fits your personality
Day 40: A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 41: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 42: A bad habit you have
Day 43: A picture of your favorite place in the world
Day 44: Something that fascinates you and why
Day 45: A letter to yourself a year ago
Day 46: Photos of personal things in your life (pets, family, house, etc)
Day 47: Birthday wish list
Day 48: A photo of you right now
Day 49: Hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 50: A letter to your reflection in the mirror

And so, the introduction. Let's be honest, if you read my blog it's very likely that you already know me. Nevertheless, here it comes. I'm not actually very good at this sort of thing, so we'll just see what comes out.

I am a lawyer, a mother (just one, nearly 18 mos. old), a Christian (in all the good sense of the word, I hope), a wife and a reader.

I love poetry, music (especially Rachmaninoff), chocolate, cooking, seasons that aren't summer, walks, Italy, trees, books, thought provoking conversation and movies.

I do not like watermelon, meeting new people, going without sleep or food, paisley, flying, shoes that aren't Chacos (yes, I know this contradicts with my hatred of summer, but it's still true), making decisions and family law.

I like to listen more than to talk. I like to go to the opera more than the movies. I joined Facebook just so I could keep playing Scrabble with my law school friends.

And that is me.