Virginia drinks formula. And she only drinks formula. I do not breastfeed her at all because I cannot. Shortly after she was born, we discovered that I don't produce much milk. In fact, I struggle to cover the bottom of a bottle, let alone feed a growing infant.
Of course that didn't stop me from trying. I can be fairly stubborn and have a difficult time admitting that some things are beyond me. This was one of those times. So for two months I went to the lactation consultant regularly (until she said there was nothing more she could do for me), I drank teas and tonics, altered my diet to encourage lactation and took pills that increase milk supply, I never gave my baby a bottle (okay, that only lasted about five weeks), I hooked myself up to a breast pump for twenty minutes after every feeding, and basically every single feeding required two people (me feeding her and someone else to keep her awake for the sucking and to hold her while I hooked up all of the accompanying apparatus). Let's just say that I really wanted it to work, and even after two months it was very difficult for me to give in at last and decide that my little Scout needed a happy, nurturing, rested mother more than an inadequate food supply. I remain fairly sensitive and rather sad about it, though I've gained some perspective with a little time and a lot fewer hormones.
However, this trial hasn't been without its lessons. I have gained some empathy and learned that it's impossible to be a "perfect" mother. Everyone has to do what works best for them and their family. I hope I've also become a little more humble. And I must say that on nights like tonight, when I still have the remains of a migraine and can barely stumble in to replace Virginia's pacifier when she wakes up at 2 a.m., I'm glad that James can take over feeding her and putting her back to sleep. I am thankful that, although I do wish it weren't so, I am not Virginia's only food source.
Melanie, I may have told you about this before, but just in case: I feel somewhat "broken" too, since I will never experience giving birth vaginally. I do NOT think you are "broken", however, I can absolutely sympathize with the sensitivity that goes along with being constantly reminded of something that you wish you could do or be a part of, and will not be able to. I feel for you not being able to nurse Virginia, because it is an enjoyable thing. HOWEVER, you do not know how many times I would give just about anything to be able to just let Ben take care of the baby at night. That would be HEAVENLY. It was over 15 months straight that I didn't get a full night's sleep with Emma, and I'm hoping it's a little less than that with Benson! Anyway. You are so right, no one is perfect, and we all have trials and we can all learn from them. Thank you for sharing this!
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