Day 10: A Letter to Someone Who Hurt You

Dear Hollywood,

I'm just going to come out and say it. You ruined me! Okay, maybe not ruined exactly. But you sure did hurt my chances at a regular old romance. Your portrayal of love, romance and dating, well, it just doesn't match reality. Not much at all. And, you see, I spent a lot of my young life watching your romantic comedies, reading your books (okay, maybe that wasn't you exactly, Holly, but it was certainly a relative of yours). And from this media, I got a completely skewed idea of what I ought to be looking for and how this dating thing happens in real life.

It took me a lot of years to get things figured out, with no help from you. Because you never told me the truth. You never told me that, in actuality, he probably WAS that into me, but media had so corrupted my idea of love that I was never able to recognize his feelings, my feelings, or what may actually have been (but fortunately wasn't) the best opportunity I was going to get in this lifetime. Here are just a few of the lies you told me instead:

Lie #1- If you take long walks in beautiful places, the man you love is sure to come along and kiss you (see Pride & Prejudice, the Keira Knightly Version).

Reality: I took a lot of long, lonely walks in some lovely places. Not once did I encounter the love of my life, or even my current crush. If I didn't invite him along, he never showed up. Not even once. And I took a lot of long walks.

Lie #2- Men are inescapably attracted to intelligent women (see Pride & Prejudice, any version, and Ever After).

Reality: Men are almost inescapably intimidated by intelligent women.

Lie #3 - Pursuing famous or semi-famous perfect strangers is a great idea; he's likely to pick yours out of the pile and be your soul mate (see Sleepless in Seattle, Under the Tuscan Sun and Win a Date With Tad Hamilton).

Reality: Whether the celebrity you adore is married or unmarried has almost no bearing on the likelihood that he will ever date and/or marry you. He won't. Unless you're Katie Holmes. You're not (and that's a good thing).

Lie #4: Repeatedly insulting and rejecting men makes them ever more in love with you. You can reject them a lot of times, and they will keep coming back, waiting for your love (see Hitch, I Hate Valentine's Day and Anne of Green Gables--the movie, I haven't made it through the books, so I can't really say).

Reality: I had a roommate who adored these books and lived by this credo. She was very single. Guys would actually leave when she came into the room just to avoid the hostility.

Lie #5: If a guy likes you, he will do absolutely all the work. You need never encourage him, reciprocate or even realize what he is doing. It's okay inadvertently to be a little rude sometimes. He'll still drive fifty miles in a blizzard for you (see Little House on the Prairie).

Reality: You have to encourage them. A lot. I've read the book about twenty times (literally). It's a great story. But I really do think it ruined my approach to dating and relationships for at least several years. It's not the 1800's anymore. So I'll say it again, you have to encourage them.

Lie #6 Your boyfriend/husband should be able to read your mind, not because it's his superpower but because he can just intuit what you're thinking and what you want (see Twilight).

Reality: Men actually do want to be able to do this. They can't. If you don't tell them what you want, you're very unlikely to get it. If you don't tell them why you're mad, or that you're mad, they won't know. If you don't ask him to take out the trash, it's probably not going to happen.

Lie #7 All males are attracted to clumsy, complaining girls with no personality, no self-confidence and no interests whatsoever especially if they're new in town. The more clumsy and insecure the girl is, the more amazing the guy who will seek her out (see Twilight, The Wedding Date and My Big Fat Greek Wedding).

Reality: If there's nothing interesting about you, people probably won't find you very interesting. And, consequently, guys won't be interested in dating you. Even more importantly, the single most consistent quality that guys find attractive: confidence. It's true, from the mouth of an unquestionably hot male friend.

Lie #8: If the person you're in love with was ever in love with someone who died, they're probably still actually in love with that person and you're just a stand-in (see A Walk to Remember, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Titanic and probably a lot of other movies that aren't coming to mind right now).

Reality: Wouldn't that be sad?

Lie #9: If you have a random crush on some hot guy and never ever even talk to him, he and his even hotter brother are likely to propose to you (see While You Were Sleeping and Win a Date With Tad Hamilton).

Reality: If you never talk to him, he'll never have a chance to fall in love with you. So get out there and take a risk. What's the worst that can happen? If he rejects you, then you still won't be together. And you'll be no worse off than you are now.

Lie #10 - Spending enough time with a person of the opposite gender will inevitably lead you to fall in love, even, nay especially, if you hate each other in the beginning. Taking an arduous journey together increases the likelihood of realization that this is, in fact, your soul mate (see Win a Date With Tad Hamilton, Two Weeks' Notice, The Proposal, Leap Year, Stardust, Romancing the Stone, Chasing Liberty and Letters to Juliet and All About Steve and probably some others that aren't coming to mind).

Lie #10b: Your best platonic friend is really in love with you, whether he knows it or not. There is, in reality, no such thing as a platonic relationship (see Valentine's Day, Some Kind of Wonderful, He's Just Not That Into You,Post Grad, When Harry Met Sally and Keeping the Faith).

Reality: I tried this one out. Several times over. Sometimes for a long time. Some things aren't meant to be, some people don't find other people attractive. Some people just want to be friends. You can spend all the time together you want, but if the person is annoying in the beginning, they're usually still annoying months later.

Lie #11: The person you're in love with is probably, in reality, completely shallow and a real jerk, but someone who really is completely amazing and much better than the loser you're with is just around the corner so just keep waiting for that perfect person to come along (see The Wedding Singer, Enchanted, Serendipity, While You Were Sleeping, Stardust, Leap Year and Letters to Juliet, 500 Days of Summer).

Reality: Nobody's perfect, even you.

Now, Holly, I'm not going to pretend that I didn't enjoy a lot of these books and movies. They're funny, heartwarming and, in many cases, just perfect for making me feel good and sappy. But they are not a good guide for navigating the dating world. It's complex enough without you skewing the perception of millions of young, impressionable girls. So from now on, when you're assigning a genre to these movies, would you please just label them FANTASY? Life's not like it is in the movies. Really.

Cheers,
Melanie